Erik's Sassy Gay Friend
by Olive nerd
Summary: Before the beach scene and transformation to Magneto, what if Erik had a Sassy Gay Friend? Implied Cherik


**Erik's Sassy Gay Friend **

**Summary: During the beach scene, what if Erik had a sassy gay friend? Cherik**

**I do not own anything, including the hip Sassy Gay Friend and the references in this fanfic. **

**Rated T for not-so-classy language **

Meet Erik from X Men First Class. Erik has just murdered Shaw. He with his new crew is about to leave some old friends behind. This fate would've been avoided if Erik had a sassy gay friend.

The metal-bender gave one last glimpse at Charles as he beckoned to Raven, shortly after he heard someone else approaching him.

"What are you doing? What, what, what are you doing?" Erik faced the squabbler, a man in blue jeans, a navy blue sweater, and a tasteless orange scarf.

"Where did you come from, human? And what for?" Everyone else was wondering how he arrived, too, until the stranger rolled his eyes. Then, he clapped his hands and yelled, " *Bazinga!" Everyone except Erik was now frozen.

"If the devil over there-" He pointed at Azazel, who stood absolutely still with a sneer on his face, "-Can go "poof" and drop men all over the place, I can remind you what you're stepping in, hypocrite!"

Erik released Charles and levitated right in front of the man. "How dare you insult me!" He searched for any accessories or anything metallic on the person's body but found none. "Me, a hypocrite? I am bringing fellow mutants together to the ultimate decision; live at the mercy of the weaker species..." He lowered his gaze to Charles, who had been spitting out sand. "-Or stand together and fight for superiority."

The man blew a raspberry. "Please! If I wanted the superiority you wanted, I'd marry blue-eyed candy over there, wait a few decades for the next cell phone, use it to phone the pizza guy, and ask for pizzas while I discuss... scientific stuff with him!"

Erik raised his eyebrows. "What's a cell phone?"

"What you'll need to call your quote, friend, quote, while he's stalking Ms. Aim and-fire over there!" He pointed at Moira, who was still unconscious, and, like Charles, lying pitifully in the sand. "You call this superiority, leaving a team of heroes behind?"

"I'm not leaving them," Erik barked defensively.

"You're leaving half of them and causing all your fangirls to scream 'I hate you!' If you want to start something, here's your first step: take off that stupid helmet. It may look attractive when it was on that ripoff of a *James Bond villain named Shaw, but it's not for you, baby."

"If you want to talk about attractiveness," mumbled Erik, "your scarf is even with my helmet."

"At least this was from the thrift shop, a place humanity adores, not from the man who murdered your freakin mother!" He glanced sympathetically at Charles. "And look! What are you actually doing this all for? The glory? The envy of a human's so-called normalcy? Your man?"

Erik deadpanned. "Don't even-"

"Uh-uh! You don't even, Lehnsherr! Step two: stop denying Mr. Right!"

"Charles-"

"DENIAL sings I! I mentioned no name, and you did! You're leaving this philanthropic man paralyzed. He's given you a home, a family, and gratification. And you..."

"-Gave him freedom from your kind!" Erik shot a steely glare at the ships once with missiles from faraway.

"That did a whole lot of good." Erik heard the sarcasm drenched in the man's voice and turned stubbornly away from him. "Well, I won't mess with you anymore, you deadly garter snake you, long as you have 'freedom'!" He sauntered over to the teenage teammates. "Hun, he has it! And so does your blonde lip-lock over there, pixie shallow, and blue grizzly bear."

"He's not a grizzly bear!" His patience was far from solidification, but somehow, Erik continued to listen to the stranger. "And what do you suggest I do? Help Charles, accept everybody, collide together in harmony, and find Shaw's right-hand woman?"

"Uh, yeah!"

"Shaw killed my mother!"

"So killing men who weren't involved with Shaw or any of his crimes is the answer? I can understand why you pulled a *Lion King stunt back there for your mother. But killing innocent people? And by the way, what Baby Blue was trying to tell you all along is you're not fighting against Shaw; you're fighting for him, and genocide will be genocide. So, are you doing this for your team or for yourself?"

Erik looked a little guilty before he stammered, "b-but our team, no, our empire of mutants-"

"See! You're thinking like Shaw again! Empires! Superiority! War! How do you think this will turn out? Sure, you're mutant and proud, but will you be proud in the end after leaving Charles?"

"Sacrifices must be made."

"Says the man who had a one-night stand with his sister, which, by the way, was a pretty jerky move."

"I was helping her discover herself-"

"As much as you'd like to, Casanova, you can't kiss with a girl you don't like and imagine it's you-know-who forever. I tried replacing flavored water with soda. Look where it's got me!" He chugged a can of cream soda and wiped his lips. "Want some?"

"No thank you." Erik wasn't in the mood for drinking.

"Anyway, just do the world a favor and say 'enough with the bloodlust'!"

Giving him puppy dog eyes, the man showed no mercy to Erik, and the metal-bender felt a pang of shame and self-deprecation. "You're lucky you're a boy. If you were a man, I'd have hit you and not decided to switch sides."

The stranger whooped gleefully."Take that helmet off while you're at it!" He was about to leave, then he piped up, "Raven's natural hair color is so foxy! If she's still on your side, ask her who does it! On second thought, leave the arrangements to me, you stupid bitch!" With a clap of his hands, sassy gay friend was gone, and everyone around Erik was unfrozen.

"Erik! How'd you get over-" Erik shushed Charles and carried him bridal style.

"No need to speak." He spoke to everyone else and announced, "I have shifted sides for us all. Let us not fight the humans. Let us live together in harmony. What do you say?" Erik's team cheered, and the three Hellfire members ditched the scene with the help of Azazel.

"Let's go find the last enemy," Charles declared, smiling fondly at Erik, Raven, and the rest of his team. All of a sudden, the metal-bender surprised the telepath with a kiss and a spin.

"Erik! I- I never would have thought you..." Their smiles were contagious, but Charles finished his thought before Erik leaned in again. "You love me?" Erik nodded jovially. "Then... Can you take that helmet off now?"

"Well, er, you see, um... It's attractive, Charles." He produced his best pearly white smile for the telepath, yet he only received a pout.

Sassy gay friend reappeared to watch Erik stammer pathetically as he still held Charles. "Wow, he's such a handsomely stupid bridegroom bitch."

***Bazinga - one of the best words on the show "The Big Bang Theory"**

***James Bond - Shaw had it coming. **

***Lion King- Let's face it; the plot was parallel at some points. **


End file.
